There you have it. This photo is my life.
A little bit out of focus.
A whirlwind of intense speed.
Unclear if things are taking flight or roaring to a crash.
Every minute, every hour brings something new. Even what should be the most routine day can fall off the tracks for reasons that usually make no sense. Why isn't the baby sleeping? Why isn't the toddler listening? Why are they both crying? Everyone is fed, dressed, healthy and lovingly occupied... so what's the problem? Oh right. No matter how hard I try to stay on top or plan things out, too many factors out of my control re-steer the ship. Sinking happens quickly and often.
It feels like each morning I put on my heavy superhero cape. It has so many layers. Woman. Wife. Mama. Instructor. Influencer. Student. Lately I feel most like the student. I'm learning as I go. Winging it and hoping that I don't drop anything or anyone along the way.
Some days are great. We soar! Some days we are just coasting, inches from crashing. And I never know what kind of day it's going to be.
Because this is what it's like being a stay at home mother to two young children and running a brand and business "on the side." It's really hard. REALLY hard.
Of course it's worth it. But you knew I was going to say that. How could I not? I have two beautiful boys who have complete control of my heart. I love being the one who helps them grow and learn all day long, who picks them up from school, wipes away their tears and has the luxury of snuggling on the couch, at 3pm to read a favorite book. It's makes my eyes well up because my family CAN do this and I CHOOSE this life. Just this morning my oldest yelled, "Mom, I have a huge booger. Come get it out of my nose." I get to laugh and be grateful that this is our biggest problem of the morning.
Many people have said to me, "You are lucky to be able to stay home with your kids and that you have such a flexible job." Yes, I am lucky. But it's not for everyone. Some days I wonder if it's even for me.
The days are long and right now the nights are even longer. My youngest isn't sleeping well. Many nights he is up every 2-3 hours. [Whoever said big babies sleep better LIED!!] This makes the weekly 7am class I teach really tough. Well, it also makes any evening class I teach hard. I'm living in a bubble of exhaustion and guilt. I'm a doer. I like to get jobs done. Emails, chores, projects... These days I never seem to finish anything. This was a big problem for me three years ago when I had Grayson. I hated the unpredictability of my days. I hated not feeling like I accomplished anything (other than keeping my baby alive). But it got better. And this is how I get by now. I know it will pass. I know eventually we will all sleep again. I will answer emails the day I get them soon enough. I remind myself of this every day, in order to keep moving along.
SO what am I trying to say? I don't even know. HA! I sat down to write today in a rare moment of quiet while the two boys are napping (at the same time!!!!!!!). I'm on my 3rd cup of coffee. And this is what came out of me. I guess I'm just saying hello and letting you know that I'm still here... surviving and/or thriving depending on the day and time.
Oh and I've got all these posts started in my queue... "The Skinny on My Postpartum Weight Loss," "The Year of Just Doing," "Meal Planning with Chef Boomer," "Reflections on How I Became a Pilates Instructor."
Will I ever get to finishing them? I don't know. I guess you'll have to wait and see. Does anyone even read this blog anymore? Leave me some love below!! xoxo